Today

I just realized I'm depressed. Not like suicidal or anything, but I seriously think I'm depressed about something.

I think my job has a lot to do with it. And some other things in my life. But mostly my job. I just feel like I"m not living up to my potential.

Like I'm pretending to be a journalist. Not really do it.

The easy thing would be to just do it, huh. But I've been trying to make myself do that for the last few months and it hasn't been working.

I've been without a computer for the last few days because it got a virus. Today, I've been flitting from one coworkers computer to another. I've done scant work today. I could have done more.

I should have done more.

I'm not fulfilled. I'm not happy.

But I don't know what will make me happy. I keep thinking that I should get a new job, but I'm scared.

Really scared.

Afraid that I'll get to the new place and feel this same feeling all over again. Afraid no one will want me. Afraid that the place I go to will be worse. Afraid that maybe it's not the job. Maybe it's me.

I got all but offered a job in Virginia a few weeks ago. I turned them down. They were offering a good job in legal reporting or education -- things that I'd like to see if I want to focus on forever. Part of the reason I turned them down was because everything happened so quickly. I sent my stuff over and then they wanted me to come down, essentially, that weekend. I wasn't honestly looking -- just putting some feelers out. I listened to what they were saying. But I learned they were up for sale, which really is what sealed the deal --- or at least gave me a way out. The way I'm feeling now, I need to go into a newsroom that's stable so that I don't get lost. I'm a utility worker. I want to do better, not end up filling gaps and being "solid" for the rest of my life.

I saw this on Errin's gmail the other day:

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." ~ Ben Stein

That's my biggest problem. I have no clue what I want and I feel like I should have known a long time ago.

Not knowing seemed fine when I graduated college. Shoot, it even seemed fine when I took this job. But I'm approaching 25 years on this earth. Not knowing is not seeming so cool anymore.

Consider this my quarter-life crisis, 7 months in advance.

For, really, all of my life, all I've ever wanted to do was be a journalist. Hell, it's all I'm good at. I talk to people. I get them to tell me things. I write them down. Repeat. It's been my life for the last what, 9 or 10 years (I started writing when I was in the 10th grade). I don't know any other tricks. I don't want to learn.

I'm not talking multimedia or web or whatever. Those are just variations on the trick I've been turning for the last decade (give or take). Those things don't scare me. What scares me is that maybe after all this time (older readers, stifle your laughter) that I've been going down the wrong path.

I keep thinking I want to move into editing. But it's hard to be an editor when you've only got 2 or 3 years of experience, two non-first place awards and a handful of mediocre clips with no passion behind them. And I don't want to give up on writing. I love writing. It's fun. Sometimes. But a lot of times, it sucks. I keep thinking a change of scenery would help. I don't know.

I'm at my coworkers desk now because my computer is still broken. The tears are welling in my eyes. To my right, a coworker is on the phone with a source. The other employees are typing away at stories.

I'm writing this blog.

That's all I've got.

Where's my Swagger?

I was just at J's page and I realized something:

I need to be more fabulous.

Not that I don't have a great personality, but my wardrobe does not convey that. I'm cute. I dress well. But I'm always missing that umph.

I need to find that.

And take pictures of it.

Yeah.

That's all.

What? You think I'm too nice?

I asked for it. V wants to know what things Really, Honestly, and Completely Tick You Off.

Ummm. Hm. That's a toughy. I don't get mad that often. But I guess, if I had to make a list -- and I do -- I'd say:

People who won't let me (or any other person with only a few items to buy)

go in front of them at the grocery store

People telling me what (they think) I am incapable of

People questioning my logic when it makes sense, but it just different than theirs

Self-righteous, overly militant people who tell me I'm a sellout because I'm not buying the "white man is the devil" blahdiblah they're pushing.

Female Genital Mutilation. Random, I know.

Being taking advantage of

Watching someone else being taken advantage of

Teachers who don't press children for greatness and the dead looks in the eyes of a child that has lost hope (I just spoke to a group of elementary kids, sue me.)

People parking in MY assigned space at my apartment complex. There are visitor spots and a whole other parking lot for non-residents to use. I pay rent here. I GET to park near the door.

You don't.

The bad rap HBCU's and HBCU grads get

Being questioned by an organization I'm in when I choose to do something outside of my normal routine. I can take a vacation/have a day off/sleep in/do-whatever-I-want-because-I'm-grown you know.

Rude drivers who refuse to let me over to get off at the exit even though I have my blinker on and they can't go anywhere until I get out of the lane. Bastards.

Oh, and bad grammar on Web sites or in e-mails.

Memorial Day snooze

It's Memorial Day.

I have the day off.

And I'm sitting on my couch super bored.

What's wrong with this picture?

No one is having a barbecue.

We missed all of the parades.

No festivals.

To late to go to the beach.

J is falling asleep on the couch. I'm IMing on the computer. Thinking about how I can get outside to do something.

Sigh.

Let me know if you have suggestions.

Even if I don't use them today, I'll bank them for later!

Where's my car?

My car got towed last night.

It severely messed up my day.

Especially seeing as how I was in New York and needed to drive back to Rhode Island today.

Daggone "No Standing" signs. I think it was a new one. I swear I've parked there at least 5 other times overnight and never gotten a ticket. Fa sho never got towed.

Sigh. Story to come.

Awards!

My sis wants to know which stories got me awards.

For those who don't know, I got two third place awards from the Rhode Island Press Association -- big cookies for me, since these were my first two professional journalism awards.

Here are the stories

2007 Rhode Island Press Association Third Place - Spot News
2007 Rhode Island Press Association Third Place - In-Depth Reporting

Enjoy!

T-Dot Redux

Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! Go support your local Mexican.

I was trolling through the T-Dot archives and found a post I made a year ago, where I apologized for being away so long (sound familiar?) and gave an update on some things in my life. I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing to update this a little. Here goes:

I'm still working on that debt free thing.

Sam's Club is back. I rejoined the super warehouse, BUT, I didn't get the credit card. I'm just a plain ole member, with access to the lovelyness that is all things bulk. I did, however, pay off my Bank of America credit card with my taxes this year (joy!) and I'm slowly chipping away at the foolishness that is my American Express card. A month or so ago, actually, when I got my tax return, I was on a debt eliminating kick. So I called Amex and told them I needed a lower interest rate. Now, a little background. Last year, I did the same thing because they'd raised my rates after I was late with a couple payments. No worries. I got on the financial work out plan known as automatic bill pay and have been consistent ever since -- and paying them twice a month. So I note all of this to the teller. And with no problem at all, he lowers my rate to some thing in the 8 percent range. Very good. I've also started contributing more to my savings account by automatically deducting $75 out of each check on payday. I don't miss it and my savings account is getting nice and plump.

I'm not buying a house.

I don't know if I told you all this, but I don't want to be in Rhode Island forever. Yes, I've been paying rent for nearly 3 years in Rhode Island, but honestly, I ain't trying to have ties to this area when I decide to move on. Beyond that, I'm not in the situation financially to be a homeowner. I have good credit, but my savings are not what they need to be and my main priority is debt elimination these days (see above).

Also, I was thinking about it when I went to Atlanta a few weeks ago to visit my friend, Hizzle, who recently became a homeowner. I think I want to own land in the south. Or at least not New England. I need a place with a yard. Though I'm not huge on yard work (hubby can cut the grass), there's something about having a big yard where you can gaze out from your porch and watch the happenings, or -- later down the road -- a place where my kids can run around and be merry. That's important to me. So, until I find a place I want to be for a while, and a plot with wide open spaces, it'll be the renters life for me.

I'm no longer a mentor.

It was a lot. I liked it when I did it, but i was doing entirely too much. The program is supposed to be guided by the mentee and my mentee never called me. I tried (a few times) to get her to go out with me and I'd take her to lunch every so often, but once she started her internship, she was like peace out. And things got busy for me at work, so I didn't really speak to her again until graduation. I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch with people. People i choose to like, not just people I'm assigned to. So I told the organization I was sitting this round out. They can keep me on the list for maybe another time, but these days, I was like, I'm trying to focus on some other things and I just don't have the time, desire or committment to mentor right now. I do need to find something else to occupy my time that also fortifies the community. I'll work on that.

I still make a fantastic lasagna.

But you'd never know it from the way I've been eating lately. If you pumped my stomach over the last month, you'd likely find that I sustained myself on a steady diet of Subway, Chinese food, pizza and fried chicken in various incarnations. I tried to do better, so I bought some lunchmeat and made sandwiches for lunch, and brought yogurt to eat. But by dinner time, I'd be so tired, I'd just throw on some ramen, or eat some hotdogs (with buns). I need to do better. My manfriend and I need to make thanksgiving dinner (we decided that's something we wanted to do on a random day soon) so that'll be a start. But I don't even know what I'll eat tonight. Hmmm. Maybe I have some salmon I can unthaw.