Ahh..that's better

Hi guys,

Until I have the time, energy or desire to find a new blogger template, this one will have to do.

I've yet to figure out how to add links to this dagblasted template. If someone knows, give me a holler.

T. Dot

Miss Celie's blog

So I'm wondering if this is just my computer or if this is the way my blog looks to everyone.

When I come to my site, it's just like text. My colors are gone. The banner at the top is gone. My picture and links are at the bottom of the page. In short: it looks a hot mess.

Does it look like that to all of you in Blogger land? If so, let me know so I can change it if need be. If not, then I'll just grin and bear it on my end.

Though it shole is ugly.

Ew, You're Skinny.

I'm being guilted into gluttony.

I'm sitting at my boy's house - a friend from Hampton - eating Chinese food. Teriyaki Chicken to be exact. I came down this afternoon to kick it with him since we haven't hung out in forever. I also figured it'd be a good way to keep my mind off of everything.

So I came.

He meets me in the hallway (his door was open) and gives me the hugest hug. Gota love it. Then, he pulls away from me and says "Ew, you're skinny."

Wait. I'm not that skinny.

"Yes you are. Ew. Go eat something."

I laughed. He was serious. We ordered food.

So now, I'm sitting here with halfway eaten teriyaki chicken. My boy has finished his bourbon chicken as well as his spicy tuna roll. I sat back in the chair and took a deep breath.

"You aren't done are you?"

Um, no?

Yes.

Sigh. Sucks to have friends who know you.

Gotta love it.

Quiche, anyone?

Thank you to everyone who had kind words, advice or stories to tell about my last post. I wrote that at a really hectic time. Going back, I'm surprised you all didn't think I was about to jump off a building or fill the bathtub with water and hop in with a toaster or something.

So how am I? Okay. I guess.

It's done. We let each other go so that we could get better. And it hurts.

Sometimes I still feel like crying. But I'll just focus on something else or do some work or something instead. I've cried a whole lot though, and I'm almost positive I'm not done. Shoot, tears are welling as I type this. It'll get better though.

I've spoken to him since it happened. Probably more than is healthy. But we've talked. I think we're both kind of still in disbelief about the whole situation. But we're trying hard to keep it together and keep the other in our lives but it's hard because when you look at one another, all you can think about is what you used to be, you know. He's slowly backing away. He hasn't said anything, but I can kinda feel it. I just hope he doesn't pull back from the things we used to do and the people we both enjoy on account of me. Because really, all this stuff we did and do won't be the same without him. And it's not just about me: the people we hang around will miss him. He's missable. I hope he knows that. And I'm just so emotionally spent that I'm of no use to anyone. I guess that could be counted as being distant. I keep trying no to be, but I just don't know what to say to him when we talk. But I want to keep talking to him, which, of course, is stupid and unfair to have him carry the convo. But we don't spend nearly as much time as we used to on the phone. Texts? Almost stopped completely. This morning, after I showered, I made a B Line for my phone. For months, he's sent me texts first thing in the morning -- random thoughts or answers to texts I sent the night before. I would always get them before I left the house for work. I checked my phone compulsively before I locked the door to my apartment this morning. No new texts. And it's like a constant reminder that we aren't anymore.

I guess this is how it feels to lose someone you love.

(Also, to anyone who may read this and want to post a comment you hope would make me feel better, in doing so, don't bash him. He's a great person who I still love very much. And he's done nothing wrong but love me as hard and as truly as he could. So don't judge him for what I'm feeling, please.)

One of my friends invited me out to go hang tomorrow. I haven't seen him in a while so it'll be good to catch up. I suppose that will keep me from being in my house alone and having to think about all of this. Maybe I'll bake something. Who knows. Being domestic helps me clear my head (but not cleaning). I zone out in the grocery store when I'm feeling extra stressed. Weird, I know. But it's what I do.

This week alone, I've made a peach cobbler - complete with a homemade crust, and penne pasta with Italian sausage in a tomato, mushroom and pepper sauce. I'll probably troll the Food Network recipe list after I finish posting this.

I need to find a good recipe for apple pie.

This whole life thing? Yeah, it kinda sucks.

And the older you get, the more complicated and sucky things become because you realize that there's so much more riding on it than it was when you were younger. So you try and forget about you. "throw caution to the wind," you say. But you can't. Because there's a nagging feeling in you that says, 'this is your life, don't do anything stupid.'

But isn't that part of the fun?

To do things because you want to? To love hard, deeply and often? To open yourself up to being hurt? To live life to its fullest?

I'm just tired. Tired of crying. Tired of talking. Tired of not having the answers I need. If anybody still reads this, don't fret, I'm not suicidal. I'm just a little fed up. A little pissed. A little scared. Okay, a lot scared. That I'm losing someone I love. And that it's all my fault.

Sigh.

This life thing? Yeah, it's hard. Really hard.