I just realized I'm depressed. Not like suicidal or anything, but I seriously think I'm depressed about something.
I think my job has a lot to do with it. And some other things in my life. But mostly my job. I just feel like I"m not living up to my potential.
Like I'm pretending to be a journalist. Not really do it.
The easy thing would be to just do it, huh. But I've been trying to make myself do that for the last few months and it hasn't been working.
I've been without a computer for the last few days because it got a virus. Today, I've been flitting from one coworkers computer to another. I've done scant work today. I could have done more.
I should have done more.
I'm not fulfilled. I'm not happy.
But I don't know what will make me happy. I keep thinking that I should get a new job, but I'm scared.
Really scared.
Afraid that I'll get to the new place and feel this same feeling all over again. Afraid no one will want me. Afraid that the place I go to will be worse. Afraid that maybe it's not the job. Maybe it's me.
I got all but offered a job in Virginia a few weeks ago. I turned them down. They were offering a good job in legal reporting or education -- things that I'd like to see if I want to focus on forever. Part of the reason I turned them down was because everything happened so quickly. I sent my stuff over and then they wanted me to come down, essentially, that weekend. I wasn't honestly looking -- just putting some feelers out. I listened to what they were saying. But I learned they were up for sale, which really is what sealed the deal --- or at least gave me a way out. The way I'm feeling now, I need to go into a newsroom that's stable so that I don't get lost. I'm a utility worker. I want to do better, not end up filling gaps and being "solid" for the rest of my life.
I saw this on Errin's gmail the other day:
"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." ~ Ben Stein
That's my biggest problem. I have no clue what I want and I feel like I should have known a long time ago.
Not knowing seemed fine when I graduated college. Shoot, it even seemed fine when I took this job. But I'm approaching 25 years on this earth. Not knowing is not seeming so cool anymore.
Consider this my quarter-life crisis, 7 months in advance.
For, really, all of my life, all I've ever wanted to do was be a journalist. Hell, it's all I'm good at. I talk to people. I get them to tell me things. I write them down. Repeat. It's been my life for the last what, 9 or 10 years (I started writing when I was in the 10th grade). I don't know any other tricks. I don't want to learn.
I'm not talking multimedia or web or whatever. Those are just variations on the trick I've been turning for the last decade (give or take). Those things don't scare me. What scares me is that maybe after all this time (older readers, stifle your laughter) that I've been going down the wrong path.
I keep thinking I want to move into editing. But it's hard to be an editor when you've only got 2 or 3 years of experience, two non-first place awards and a handful of mediocre clips with no passion behind them. And I don't want to give up on writing. I love writing. It's fun. Sometimes. But a lot of times, it sucks. I keep thinking a change of scenery would help. I don't know.
I'm at my coworkers desk now because my computer is still broken. The tears are welling in my eyes. To my right, a coworker is on the phone with a source. The other employees are typing away at stories.
I'm writing this blog.
That's all I've got.
7 comments:
If it's any consolation, know that you don't have to know your life's purpose right now. You said it yourself. You have only 2 or 3 years of hardcore experience under your belt. As you mentioned, there are so many variations to your trade and you've done fewer than a handful. Be easy on yourself. Recognize that you are unfulfilled and make just one decision. If you don't know what you want (I don't either!), change just one thing.
Challenge yourself to unearth stories never told.
Give voice to the voiceless.
Do freelance work for magazines.
Enroll in a journalism workshop to find inspiration.
Cover stories that you've never covered.
Team up with a more experienced reporter and learn something you've always wanted to know.
Ask friends in the industry what they think your strengths are. Take stock of them and play to them.
Believe that it's the circumstances that are mediocre, not you!
Let me tell you why I say you should change just one thing. As a former engineer, when I don't know what the problem is, I have a good idea of the possibilities. In your case, it could be the leadership, the culture of the paper, your attachment (or lack thereof) to the communities you cover, your city of residence, etc.
Start small and start eliminating possibilities one by one. Don't do something that has a huge risk potential like changing papers if you are not sure it's a better choice right now.
Another thing. You're practically fresh out of college. Personally, I think we push young people too hard to choose a path in life quite early. At age 18, you're supposed to choose a career when you haven't been exposed to a quarter of the options that are available to you. That's what experience is supposed to do. So look at this phase of your life as just that. It's experience and more information you can use to determine the path you want to create for yourself. Keep your eyes open and your belief in self high so you can take advantage of opportunities that arise.
Young buck, you're doing just fine. You're awesome. It's just time for you to realize that!
Also, think about how people change courses several times over the course of their professional lives. Musicians become actors. Engineers become marketers. Consultants become shop owners. Models become talk show hosts. LOL! You get my point. Focus on what makes you happy today. You'll find your way and will likely look back at your path as varied but exciting every step of the way.
Besides, wouldn't it be a bit boring if you knew exactly what you're supposed to do. You wouldn't take the time to learn anything outside of that area. You'd likely define yourself solely by that idea of what you're supposed to be. You'd be no fun!!!
I was gonna say something along the same line as your sister (that's why older siblings are great!)....
I know exactly what you're talking about -- being in that place where you're uninspired, unsatisfied and maybe even a little unhappy. But like Setta said, we're young. And on top of that, we're among a class of over achievers (maybe reluctant overachievers, but overachievers nonetheless). So we're conditioned to look for constant progress, constant achievement. And when we hit those occasional plateaus, we really don't know what to do with ourselves.
So we sign into Blogger because we've become exhausted with whatever we're doing.
It happens. The trick is not to let it make you think you're somehow dysfunctional or incompetent. It may be the time to take a deep breath, step away (at least mentally, for a moment) from the grind at work, and appreciate everything else that's in your life. (Like silly, curly-headed friends. :-) ) You'll need some clarity of mind to really assess what you're feeling, and to decide how to approach it. And then when you get some ideas, take it one step at a time. See what works, and what doesn't. And you make some miscalculations, so be it... We're in our 20s, so of course there's no way we're supposed to have it ALL figured out yet.
Lub,
Your silly, curly-headed friend. :-)
CHURCH!!! That is all
You guys are great. :-)
Thank you.
oh t. who doesn't feel this around this age? 1/4 life crisis is so inexact. it can be from 23-27 actually. and probably includes even more than that. the cool thing about our generation is it's not just accepted but a bit expected to re-invent regularly. i think you should be more worried if you were satisfied w/complacency. maybe a change of scenery isn't a bad thing. sometimes we get stagnant and just need to shake things up. and i think that's ok. you still rock.
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